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by: Margaret Paul, Ph.D.
Most parents want to be good parents. Yet parenting is one of those things that does not have hard and fast rules. So how do we know what to do? How do we know what will support our children in being all they can be?
One of the most important things for parents to do is to learn to trust their own intuition. Your feelings tell you when you are on course or off course in your behavior with your children. When things feel right inside, then you know that you are being a truly loving parent, and when they feel wrong inside, you know you are out of alignment with what is in your highest good and your children's highest good.
I remember my mother telling me that she used to put her fist in her mouth to stop herself from crying and from picking me up when I was an infant and cried. She had read in Dr. Spock that babies should not be picked up when they cry, that it is good for their lungs to cry, and that she would spoil me if she picked me up. But her insides were telling her the opposite - that babies cry when they need food, changing, or love. It is so sad that she followed Dr. Spock instead of her own inner knowing.
Now research has proven that babies who are not picked up when they cry become more dependent and insecure than babies who are kept with their mothers. In other countries, babies sleep with their parents until they no longer want to, feeling safe all night. In our country, most babies are alone at night, some crying themselves to sleep. This is not only sad, it is not healthy for the baby.
So the first thing your child needs from you is to trust your inner knowing rather than any book you read.
Your child needs your loving presence - not your busy preoccupied presence. For your children to feel important to you, they need to feel you fully present with them - reading to them daily, playing with them, holding and comforting them, and listening to them.
Your children need for you to create a healthy environment for them by feeding them healthy food, restricting screen time - TV, computer, video games - and making sure they play outdoors and get enough exercise. They need your encouragement to develop their hobbies and interests. They need you to try natural remedies before resorting to drugs for illness, so that you don't set them up for more illness with the side effects of drugs.
They need for you to be a good role model of self-care. Children need to see their parents taking full responsibility for their own feelings instead of being victims and blaming others. With this role modeling, they will also learn to take full responsibility for their own feelings. Learning and practicing the Inner Bonding process that we teach will support you in becoming this loving role model for your children.
Children also need you to be a role model for care of the environment. My daughter told me that my 3-1/2 year-old grandson got very upset with the checker at the market for using a plastic bag. "No, no plastic bags! It's bad for the environment!" he told the checker. By role modeling caring for our planet, we can raise children who are much more conscious of taking care of our environment.
Your children need to see you being connected with a spiritual Source of love, peace and wisdom in order to naturally connect with their own higher power. By developing your spiritual connection, they can learn to have their own.
What do your children really need from you? They need you to learn to be all you can be so they have the role modeling and permission to be all they can be.
Sabtu, September 27, 2008
Year Two: Adventures in Instant Parenthood
by: Gracely Sinclair
It’s amazing how life’s time can leave you…fast. It was almost one year ago that our daughter came to us. We had found her in foster care and opened our home to her. This, not knowing that our son was already growing inside me… the son that the doctors had, for ten years, told us we couldn’t have.
So…
I think that receiving two children in the space of five months, as rookie parents (and one a newborn!), was the toughest thing that either of us had ever done. But it was also a sudden open door onto an avenue lined with good things. The avenue was stony and sometimes hard to walk. But the good things became gooder and gooder.
Why haven’t I written down every observation on parenthood; every cute look and lisped phrase; every gurgle, smile, and fart? Because I’ve been reaching for my pen and formulating half-sentences for almost a year. But always, before being able to commit thought to paper, the spaghetti boiled over, the phone rang, the family walked in, or the pen dropped to the floor and my thoughts ended in, “Zzzzzzzz”. Now comes the actual effort of recording our adventures as a new family. And just in time… I forget things quickly, easily, and often forever.
“She”
Our daughter is the daughter of a niece of ours, gone wild. We’re not sure where the niece is, just that she’s not wherever her various children are.
She was 10 months old when we got a phone call from a frantic grandmother, telling us that the child had been abandoned to foster care in Washington state. The grandmother lives in Mexico and could do nothing. Fortunately, God had stayed our hand when we had considered adoption a year or so before so that, though eligible to adopt in Oregon, we hadn’t yet. That smoothed the path for the child that He had for us.
The gears of the state grind slowly, though, and another year had gone by before we got to see She for the first time. In between was the paperwork that means the state is letting you care for this little thing instead of doing it themselves. Finally, though, we got to visit her.
We’ve talked about that moment many times. How frightened we were, waiting for the door to open. How such a small being could make us – grown adults who drive and have jobs– shake in our shoes! And then, there she was. The most adorable 22 month-old girl with braided hair and eyes that seemed big enough to wrap around the sides of her head. She was perfect.
Well, almost perfect… A month later we had her home and two months later she was calling us Mommy and Daddy. We were over the moon and then down into the valley as the terrible two’s began in earnest. But the hills and valleys, thankfully, were interspersed with each other so that life averaged out on the wonderful side.
When she arrived, we could count the number of real words that She could say on a couple of hands. She still took a bottle at night and we couldn’t figure out where to get her hair done. I probably obsessed on this last point more than any other. I wasn’t able to take care of my own hair, let alone the mop she came with.
She cried at night and we had to learn just how to comfort her. She had a drooling problem; thank heavens that’s starting to take care of itself. And she had a habit of biting and hitting when angry. That resolved itself with reasonable discipline. But it’s a work in progress and her progress has been amazing.
She just loved to pat Mommy’s growing tummy and talked endlessly about the baby inside. Her own tummy was shown with pride to all, and she wondered aloud if she would have a baby, too. (When the baby did come, I wonder if it registered. The patting of the tummy and the wondering where the baby is continued for some time…)
We quickly learned that She did not like to be thwarted. She wanted what she wanted. She wanted it now, and she told you so often. When whatever it was was not forthcoming… well, we literally bought ear plugs. But a trip to the park or a ride on a slide and especially the adventure at Zoo Lights in Portland showed us her active, athletic, and curious side. The sponge part of her now is inside her – wondering, asking, learning, and repeating what she’s learned.
When she arrived, She fit into size 6 or 6-1/2 shoes. Now we’re lucky to get her into a size 9. She has grown some inches and we can make out cheekbones where we used to see chub. She no longer eats her crayons and actually enjoys applying them to paper. She loves working with glue and other art supplies… anything sticky. And – we can’t wait – she’s been on the potty a good many times, with reasonable (if not consistent) results.
Now She speaks well, often in full sentences. She has an amazing memory and knows some Korean words that she’s taught at her day care. She talks about her friends and wants me to make her babies and her toy bears talk and move. Then she talks back to them, consoling and chiding them, just like Mommy does.
With us she’s very direct. She has given me a count (“1 - 2 - 3! Time out, Mommy!”) and tells us to go to sleep. She loves “my music”, and bounces and sings to Jesus Loves Me, The Bare Necessities, and The Mickey Mouse Club March, among others. She dances to music and TV theme songs and commercials. Whenever we have company and the dancing starts, we all sit down and watch “The She Show.”
She gives me imaginary presents to open, since Christmas made such a big hit with her. She wonders where the stockings went and why we had to take down the lights. She always wants to go back to the beach, which is where we spent Thanksgiving with my family. And she wonders how big she’ll have to be before she can go see Mickey at Disneyland. After we tell her that she has to get bigger and stronger, she says, “I get my coat.”
She loves her Daddy’s family, who are all in town. She will look at me and ask after a member of the family…Uncle This or Auntie That. I’ll tell her where they probably are at the moment and then I’ll say, “Who else?” And we’ll talk about every member of the family that we can think of. Of course, she wants to see the cousins every day. And even more of course, though she knows the answer well, “Where’s Daddy?”
She doesn’t do well with change. This is typical of foster and adopted and… well… just kids. She cries often while in bed and it’s sometimes hard to figure out why. Heaven help us, we get angry. Tired people often do… But then came the day (quite recently, really) when she moved across the room into her “big girl bed”, which is furnished with a rail that has her name cut into it by another brother who is a woodworker in his spare and generous time.
Her Daddy bought her a Tinker Bell light and another Princess night light that help her deal with the dark. It’s so comfy and cushy and PINK that I’m envious sometimes. She surrounds herself with plush toys and favorite blankets and settles in for the night – more and more, the entire night. And we have peace… blessed peace… and then the boy wakes up and wants his food.
“He”
I have never been happier than when I was pregnant with our son. At 37 years old, with special health issues, I was considered a high risk in pregnancy and had ultrasounds almost every week. I had a high-risk team of obstetricians following me around with charts, probes, and pee tubes. This last item was always welcome.
I look back at pictures of myself during that time and see this glow and smooth radiance in my face that I remember inside me but never noticed in the mirror. I was never sick or even the slightest bit nauseous. My other symptoms disappeared almost entirely… no more soreness or swelling, no more aching back until the very end.
He wanted us to know immediately that he was a HE. During one of the initial ultrasounds, he flipped himself over and spread his legs as wide as he could. The ultrasound picture of his defining male characteristic is one of my favorites. I’ll never forget the tone in my husband’s voice when I told him he was going to have a son. Just a very, very quiet, “No way.” There was so much awe, hope, and fear in that tone and in that voice. It moved me as few other speeches have.
He grew well and exactly on schedule. He turned over from a breach position to a head-down position in plenty of time. He got the hiccups so often that it became no longer novel. We had several baby showers and are still going through clothes and toys donated to us from friends and family. We have bought very little for the kid; and he has everything he could possibly want and more.
Then we went to the hospital in one of those scheduled and arranged situations. We would be induced here and then the birth would happen there, they said calmly. My obstetrician had a party to go to but would be back in “plenty of time”, since labor would probably take such-and-such hours.
Uh huh…
Hours after being given the pitossin to induce me, I had barely dilated at all. In the meantime, the baby’s heart rate was up then down then up and down. They broke my water manually and OWWWWW… the contractions started, minutes apart and hard as h-e-double-hockey-sticks. Sorry, Grandma. Hours of this, I thought. Are you crazy??
The senior member of my OB’s practice arrived and suggested a Cesarean procedure with an epidural. I have rarely been so grateful to any man still living… or dead for that matter. I love whoever Mr. Cesarean was! The operation began, with my husband gowning himself with shaking hands (he’s not a hospital guy). And minutes later the epidural was in effect and my son was being shown to us.
I will never in my life forget that moment. I burst into tears for so many reasons that it seems silly to recount them. He was safe…he was here…he was ours…he was healthy-looking…we had done it. Thank you, God. Thank you forever.
Four days later I was released. The doctors studied the baby and myself for after-effects and drug levels and we were fine. He developed cradle cap and, in pictures, was downright ugly unless you were his mother and you were holding him at the time. He was skinny and seemed undersized, though I was assured he was exactly average in that regard. He smiled on his second day of life but wailed in a surprisingly piercing way when hungry or tired. I was exhausted and stressed. The doctors were sending me home with a life that I hadn’t had when I came into the hospital. Where was the manual? Who would I call at 2:00 a.m. when we were so stupid with fatigue that we were confused about which end the nipple went into?
I don’t know how we would have gotten through that first month without the love and backup of family and friends. They cooked and cleaned for us. They came and brought us hope and encouragement. When the house was filthy and there was no food in it, one couple went to the store and brought back $300 worth of goods and sent us to bed while they cleaned and cared for our kids. We got sleep. The dishes were done. There was food. We were speechless…we still are.
Day by day, hour by hour, month by month He grew and we came to understand him better. It took a solid month before routine had been re-established and we could eat and sleep with any amount of comfort. I can’t stop looking continuously into his bed, to check for breathing sounds. That will probably end when he’s 12.
Then breast-feeding became bottle-feeding. He suddenly was able to hold his head up and had a magnificent grip. We noticed immediately that he was strong; he was a true son of my husband’s. Much more alert than the average athlete, though. He noticed everything and studied everyone. And they always received a smile. The boy was a smiling fool, from the beginning.
The cradle cap moved back and the fine dark blonde hair began moving forward. The baby acne starting clearing up and I felt like a teenager, limp with relief that it was less visible all the time. He started eating more and more and crying less and less. The blankets with which we had to prop him in his swing became thin blankets, then disappeared. Then we had to strap him in because he was big enough to fall out.
He reached for us, then grabbed onto us. Then he reached for She’s toys. That was a mistake. Then he arched his back and looked behind him, above him, around him. Then he rolled over to get something and light dawned. Motion! Now we have a very active boy on our hands and, in our 40’s, get more exercise within the confines of our home than out of it.
Year Two
I’ve never imagined my life as full as this. Even as a young woman, my visions of motherhood were blurry and distant. I never knew where my life was headed in that regard. Then, after several discouragements, those hopes faded almost completely.
I’m so grateful to God for taking this decision out of our hands. People’s eyes get big and I hear breathed “Wow, you’re busy,” when they hear about us. And for us it is hard to step back and just see who we are. There’s always a load of laundry waiting to be folded, the same spaghetti boiling over, and the two kids competing for our attention.
But we know what we can seldom speak. That life has become mission. That movement now has meaning. And that we are the luckiest two people on earth….
Let Year Two begin!
It’s amazing how life’s time can leave you…fast. It was almost one year ago that our daughter came to us. We had found her in foster care and opened our home to her. This, not knowing that our son was already growing inside me… the son that the doctors had, for ten years, told us we couldn’t have.
So…
I think that receiving two children in the space of five months, as rookie parents (and one a newborn!), was the toughest thing that either of us had ever done. But it was also a sudden open door onto an avenue lined with good things. The avenue was stony and sometimes hard to walk. But the good things became gooder and gooder.
Why haven’t I written down every observation on parenthood; every cute look and lisped phrase; every gurgle, smile, and fart? Because I’ve been reaching for my pen and formulating half-sentences for almost a year. But always, before being able to commit thought to paper, the spaghetti boiled over, the phone rang, the family walked in, or the pen dropped to the floor and my thoughts ended in, “Zzzzzzzz”. Now comes the actual effort of recording our adventures as a new family. And just in time… I forget things quickly, easily, and often forever.
“She”
Our daughter is the daughter of a niece of ours, gone wild. We’re not sure where the niece is, just that she’s not wherever her various children are.
She was 10 months old when we got a phone call from a frantic grandmother, telling us that the child had been abandoned to foster care in Washington state. The grandmother lives in Mexico and could do nothing. Fortunately, God had stayed our hand when we had considered adoption a year or so before so that, though eligible to adopt in Oregon, we hadn’t yet. That smoothed the path for the child that He had for us.
The gears of the state grind slowly, though, and another year had gone by before we got to see She for the first time. In between was the paperwork that means the state is letting you care for this little thing instead of doing it themselves. Finally, though, we got to visit her.
We’ve talked about that moment many times. How frightened we were, waiting for the door to open. How such a small being could make us – grown adults who drive and have jobs– shake in our shoes! And then, there she was. The most adorable 22 month-old girl with braided hair and eyes that seemed big enough to wrap around the sides of her head. She was perfect.
Well, almost perfect… A month later we had her home and two months later she was calling us Mommy and Daddy. We were over the moon and then down into the valley as the terrible two’s began in earnest. But the hills and valleys, thankfully, were interspersed with each other so that life averaged out on the wonderful side.
When she arrived, we could count the number of real words that She could say on a couple of hands. She still took a bottle at night and we couldn’t figure out where to get her hair done. I probably obsessed on this last point more than any other. I wasn’t able to take care of my own hair, let alone the mop she came with.
She cried at night and we had to learn just how to comfort her. She had a drooling problem; thank heavens that’s starting to take care of itself. And she had a habit of biting and hitting when angry. That resolved itself with reasonable discipline. But it’s a work in progress and her progress has been amazing.
She just loved to pat Mommy’s growing tummy and talked endlessly about the baby inside. Her own tummy was shown with pride to all, and she wondered aloud if she would have a baby, too. (When the baby did come, I wonder if it registered. The patting of the tummy and the wondering where the baby is continued for some time…)
We quickly learned that She did not like to be thwarted. She wanted what she wanted. She wanted it now, and she told you so often. When whatever it was was not forthcoming… well, we literally bought ear plugs. But a trip to the park or a ride on a slide and especially the adventure at Zoo Lights in Portland showed us her active, athletic, and curious side. The sponge part of her now is inside her – wondering, asking, learning, and repeating what she’s learned.
When she arrived, She fit into size 6 or 6-1/2 shoes. Now we’re lucky to get her into a size 9. She has grown some inches and we can make out cheekbones where we used to see chub. She no longer eats her crayons and actually enjoys applying them to paper. She loves working with glue and other art supplies… anything sticky. And – we can’t wait – she’s been on the potty a good many times, with reasonable (if not consistent) results.
Now She speaks well, often in full sentences. She has an amazing memory and knows some Korean words that she’s taught at her day care. She talks about her friends and wants me to make her babies and her toy bears talk and move. Then she talks back to them, consoling and chiding them, just like Mommy does.
With us she’s very direct. She has given me a count (“1 - 2 - 3! Time out, Mommy!”) and tells us to go to sleep. She loves “my music”, and bounces and sings to Jesus Loves Me, The Bare Necessities, and The Mickey Mouse Club March, among others. She dances to music and TV theme songs and commercials. Whenever we have company and the dancing starts, we all sit down and watch “The She Show.”
She gives me imaginary presents to open, since Christmas made such a big hit with her. She wonders where the stockings went and why we had to take down the lights. She always wants to go back to the beach, which is where we spent Thanksgiving with my family. And she wonders how big she’ll have to be before she can go see Mickey at Disneyland. After we tell her that she has to get bigger and stronger, she says, “I get my coat.”
She loves her Daddy’s family, who are all in town. She will look at me and ask after a member of the family…Uncle This or Auntie That. I’ll tell her where they probably are at the moment and then I’ll say, “Who else?” And we’ll talk about every member of the family that we can think of. Of course, she wants to see the cousins every day. And even more of course, though she knows the answer well, “Where’s Daddy?”
She doesn’t do well with change. This is typical of foster and adopted and… well… just kids. She cries often while in bed and it’s sometimes hard to figure out why. Heaven help us, we get angry. Tired people often do… But then came the day (quite recently, really) when she moved across the room into her “big girl bed”, which is furnished with a rail that has her name cut into it by another brother who is a woodworker in his spare and generous time.
Her Daddy bought her a Tinker Bell light and another Princess night light that help her deal with the dark. It’s so comfy and cushy and PINK that I’m envious sometimes. She surrounds herself with plush toys and favorite blankets and settles in for the night – more and more, the entire night. And we have peace… blessed peace… and then the boy wakes up and wants his food.
“He”
I have never been happier than when I was pregnant with our son. At 37 years old, with special health issues, I was considered a high risk in pregnancy and had ultrasounds almost every week. I had a high-risk team of obstetricians following me around with charts, probes, and pee tubes. This last item was always welcome.
I look back at pictures of myself during that time and see this glow and smooth radiance in my face that I remember inside me but never noticed in the mirror. I was never sick or even the slightest bit nauseous. My other symptoms disappeared almost entirely… no more soreness or swelling, no more aching back until the very end.
He wanted us to know immediately that he was a HE. During one of the initial ultrasounds, he flipped himself over and spread his legs as wide as he could. The ultrasound picture of his defining male characteristic is one of my favorites. I’ll never forget the tone in my husband’s voice when I told him he was going to have a son. Just a very, very quiet, “No way.” There was so much awe, hope, and fear in that tone and in that voice. It moved me as few other speeches have.
He grew well and exactly on schedule. He turned over from a breach position to a head-down position in plenty of time. He got the hiccups so often that it became no longer novel. We had several baby showers and are still going through clothes and toys donated to us from friends and family. We have bought very little for the kid; and he has everything he could possibly want and more.
Then we went to the hospital in one of those scheduled and arranged situations. We would be induced here and then the birth would happen there, they said calmly. My obstetrician had a party to go to but would be back in “plenty of time”, since labor would probably take such-and-such hours.
Uh huh…
Hours after being given the pitossin to induce me, I had barely dilated at all. In the meantime, the baby’s heart rate was up then down then up and down. They broke my water manually and OWWWWW… the contractions started, minutes apart and hard as h-e-double-hockey-sticks. Sorry, Grandma. Hours of this, I thought. Are you crazy??
The senior member of my OB’s practice arrived and suggested a Cesarean procedure with an epidural. I have rarely been so grateful to any man still living… or dead for that matter. I love whoever Mr. Cesarean was! The operation began, with my husband gowning himself with shaking hands (he’s not a hospital guy). And minutes later the epidural was in effect and my son was being shown to us.
I will never in my life forget that moment. I burst into tears for so many reasons that it seems silly to recount them. He was safe…he was here…he was ours…he was healthy-looking…we had done it. Thank you, God. Thank you forever.
Four days later I was released. The doctors studied the baby and myself for after-effects and drug levels and we were fine. He developed cradle cap and, in pictures, was downright ugly unless you were his mother and you were holding him at the time. He was skinny and seemed undersized, though I was assured he was exactly average in that regard. He smiled on his second day of life but wailed in a surprisingly piercing way when hungry or tired. I was exhausted and stressed. The doctors were sending me home with a life that I hadn’t had when I came into the hospital. Where was the manual? Who would I call at 2:00 a.m. when we were so stupid with fatigue that we were confused about which end the nipple went into?
I don’t know how we would have gotten through that first month without the love and backup of family and friends. They cooked and cleaned for us. They came and brought us hope and encouragement. When the house was filthy and there was no food in it, one couple went to the store and brought back $300 worth of goods and sent us to bed while they cleaned and cared for our kids. We got sleep. The dishes were done. There was food. We were speechless…we still are.
Day by day, hour by hour, month by month He grew and we came to understand him better. It took a solid month before routine had been re-established and we could eat and sleep with any amount of comfort. I can’t stop looking continuously into his bed, to check for breathing sounds. That will probably end when he’s 12.
Then breast-feeding became bottle-feeding. He suddenly was able to hold his head up and had a magnificent grip. We noticed immediately that he was strong; he was a true son of my husband’s. Much more alert than the average athlete, though. He noticed everything and studied everyone. And they always received a smile. The boy was a smiling fool, from the beginning.
The cradle cap moved back and the fine dark blonde hair began moving forward. The baby acne starting clearing up and I felt like a teenager, limp with relief that it was less visible all the time. He started eating more and more and crying less and less. The blankets with which we had to prop him in his swing became thin blankets, then disappeared. Then we had to strap him in because he was big enough to fall out.
He reached for us, then grabbed onto us. Then he reached for She’s toys. That was a mistake. Then he arched his back and looked behind him, above him, around him. Then he rolled over to get something and light dawned. Motion! Now we have a very active boy on our hands and, in our 40’s, get more exercise within the confines of our home than out of it.
Year Two
I’ve never imagined my life as full as this. Even as a young woman, my visions of motherhood were blurry and distant. I never knew where my life was headed in that regard. Then, after several discouragements, those hopes faded almost completely.
I’m so grateful to God for taking this decision out of our hands. People’s eyes get big and I hear breathed “Wow, you’re busy,” when they hear about us. And for us it is hard to step back and just see who we are. There’s always a load of laundry waiting to be folded, the same spaghetti boiling over, and the two kids competing for our attention.
But we know what we can seldom speak. That life has become mission. That movement now has meaning. And that we are the luckiest two people on earth….
Let Year Two begin!
Selasa, September 23, 2008
Entitlement Vs. Earning: How To Avoid Harmful Help As A Parent
by: Cameron Taylor
There’s a story about a boy who came from a wealthy family. His father had built a large, multimillion-dollar business from the ground up. As this father approached retirement, he brought his son into his office and told him that he wanted him to take over his company. The son was excited to take over his father’s multimillion-dollar empire and asked, “When are you going to give it to me?” The father replied, “I am not going to give you anything, you must earn it.” The son replied, “How am I supposed to do that?”
The father answered, “First, you must earn $10,000 to purchase a small portion of ownership in the company. After this is accomplished you will get your next instruction.” As the son left the house to being his quest, his mother grabbed him and thrust $10,000 into his hand and told him to give the money to his father. Thrilled by his good fortune, he ran to find his father. His dad was sitting by the fireplace reading a book. The son approached his father and said, “Dad, Dad, here’s $10,000 for the business.” Without even looking up, the father grabbed the $10,000 and tossed it in the fire and watched it burn. The son stood frozen in amazement. As the money burned, the father said, “Come back when you have earned the money!”
As he left the room, his mother once again thrust $10,000 into his hand. This time she instructed him that he needed to be more convincing in selling his father on the idea that he had actually worked for the money. So the boy scuffed himself up a little, jogged around the block a few times, and then went to find his father again. His father was again sitting in front of the fireplace reading a book. The boy approached his father and said, “It sure is tough earning money. Here’s the $10,000. I really do want to own the business.” Once again the father took the $10,000, and without even looking up, tossed the money in the fireplace. As the money burned, the son asked, “How did you know I didn’t earn the money?” The father replied, “It is easy to lose or spend money that is not your own.”
At this point, the son realized he wasn’t going to get the business unless he actually earned the $10,000. He wanted the business, so when his mother offered him money again, he declined her offer. He went out and picked up some odd jobs. His jobs required him to get up early and stay up late, but he worked and worked until he finally earned $10,000. Proudly, he walked into his father and presented him with the money. Like before, his father was sitting by the fire reading a book. Again the father took the money and threw it in the fire. As the money hit the flames, the son dove to the floor and risking burns and pain stuck his hands into the fire and pulled out the $10,000. The father looked his son in the eyes and said, “I see you really did earn the money this time.”
Many parents make the mistake of provided damaging financial assistance to their children. Their motives are usually good. They want to help their children get started in life or assist when a financial need rises. Unfortunately, the result is often opposite to the one desired. Instead of helping children become self sufficient, they become dependant. Rather than sparking initiative and discipline, the children become idle and indulgent. Instead of being achievement oriented they become entitlement oriented, ungrateful and demanding. “Children who always get what they want will want as long as they live.” Research has shown that “in general, the more dollars adult children receive [from their parents] the fewer they accumulate, while those who are given fewer dollars accumulate more.” How can we make sure our children grow up with the earning mentality rather than the entitlement mentality?
While starting my first business, I often relied on one of my business partners and mentors, who was a multimillionaire, for advice. My business was growing but struggled to turn a profit. I continued to work hard but things were getting tougher and tougher for me financially. I went to my rich partner and asked for a loan to help me get by until the business was profitable. He declined to give me any assistance. I was a little frustrated and said, “You are making millions a year and I am struggling to stay alive. Please help me.” He looked at me and I could tell he wanted to help me. He was close to giving in to my plea when he replied, “If I take away your struggle, I will also take away your victory.” He then shared the following story.
“There was a young boy who came across a caterpillar hanging in a cocoon. He went to see the cocoon several times each day waiting for the butterfly to emerge. After a few days, the young boy began to see the cocoon move as a butterfly struggled to come out. The boy a little impatient and wanting to help ran home and got a pair of scissors. He returned and carefully cut open the cocoon and out fell a partially developed butterfly. This caterpillar would never fly. The young boy innocently killed the butterfly he was trying to help.” At the time, I didn’t find this advice helpful, but today I am grateful to a wise partner and mentor who resisted the temptation to cut open my cocoon and take away the struggle of life while starting a business.
One of the best ways to create an earning mentality in our children is to teach them how to work. Work helps get rid of the idea that one is entitled or has the right to something. I have identified 3 important factors that help teach children good work ethics. Parents need to look for opportunities to assign or create chores and work for children that have the following characteristics:
1. Purpose
The job assigned must have real life purpose. As a child, there was a large vacant plot of land behind my house that was very proficient in growing weeds. Dad sectioned off the plot and gave each child a section. The instruction was simply to keep the weeds down by pulling the weeds by hand. I can remember hating this job because it was always hot and dusty and the weeds grew fast and tall. I finally asked my dad why we had to keep the weeds down. Dad then explained that it was to make sure the weeds don’t spread into the yard and garden so the grass will be soft to play on and the garden will grow lots of good food to eat. This explanation gave my sweat and pains a purpose that I was willing to work for. I still didn’t like weeding my section but, now understanding the purpose of the job, I had motivation to make sure my plot was free of weeds.
Sometimes as parents we give chores that simply have the purpose of keeping our children busy. These chores are probably better than letting children sit in front of the TV or play video games all day. However, jobs with real life purpose, once accomplished, will ignite a feeling of true accomplishment and contribution to a collective or greater good. The feelings of purpose and accomplishment are feelings everyone desire. It is wise to use these feelings to fuel future assignments with purpose.
2. Consistency
Parents need to be consistent in assigning chores. If making the bed is an important skill or chore you want your child to learn or accomplish then you as the parent must be consistent is giving the assignment everyday and just as consistent in following up and making sure the job is done and done well. If you are as consistent in assigning a chore and just as consistent in following up and helping the child accomplish the chore then the child will progressively and consistently accomplish the chore alone.
The job that teaches good work ethics is one that is on a consistent schedule. Punctuality is important in the work place and in life. It wasn’t until I got a job my first job out side of the home that I realized the importance of consistency. While in Junior High I worked at a local grocery store where I was required to be at work on time. I’ve found that those who had jobs outside of the home while still in high school have a stronger work ethic than those who did not. Having noticed this trend leads me to believe that teaching a child to work is not simply teaching them how to do a few jobs but it’s teaching a way of life.
3. Perseverance
One of the hardest parts of life is to continue to do something when it is no longer fun or when it never was fun to begin with. The world would teach our children that such uncomfort or pain should not be tolerated. The world would go as far as to teach that if pain is felt then what ever is causing the pain is bad and should be avoided. It is on the contrary that good work ethics are learned. It is important to teach our youth to continually work past the point of comfort. Not many reach this point regularly, but it is here that character is permanently built. Learning good work ethics takes persevering through the uncomfort and beyond the pain of work.
Right out of High school I worked at a lumber mill in Idaho. My job was to stack lumber as it came off the saw. This was the most physically demanding job I’ve ever had. At the end of every day I was physically drained from being baked in the saw mill from the summer sun and from keeping up with the mill as it relentlessly kicked out lumber to be stacked. It was just a miserable job. I remember asking myself during one of my short breaks if this job was worth the pain. The thought and answer came back that “It wouldn’t be called work if it wasn’t work!” Well, that didn’t really help me feel better but it did help me understand that not all work is fun.
Business owner and church leader, Spencer W. Kimball said “I remember some years ago, a young man and his wife and little children moved to our Arizona community. As we got acquainted with them, he told me of the rigorous youth he had spent as he grew up. He’d had to get up at five and six o’clock in the morning and go out and deliver papers. He’d had to work on the farm and he’d had to do many things that were still rankling (irritation/resentment) in his soul. Then he concluded with this statement: ‘My boys are never going to have to do that.’ And we saw his boys grow up and you couldn’t get them to do anything. They [sluff] off their church activities and nothing seemed very important to them.”
If you protect your children from struggle and responsibility, you will also prevent them from growing. Help you child learn how to work and earn by assigning work that has real purpose, consistency, and requires perseverance. Good work ethic and the earning mentality cannot be purchased with money but are developed through experience, responsibility and education. The Entitlement mentality is a form of bondage for it is simply living off of others —for if you take from a person his responsibility to care for himself you also take from him the opportunity to be free. Do not simply give your kids money, give them education and opportunity and teach them how to work. It costs a lot less and will develop the productive, self sufficient children you desire.
There’s a story about a boy who came from a wealthy family. His father had built a large, multimillion-dollar business from the ground up. As this father approached retirement, he brought his son into his office and told him that he wanted him to take over his company. The son was excited to take over his father’s multimillion-dollar empire and asked, “When are you going to give it to me?” The father replied, “I am not going to give you anything, you must earn it.” The son replied, “How am I supposed to do that?”
The father answered, “First, you must earn $10,000 to purchase a small portion of ownership in the company. After this is accomplished you will get your next instruction.” As the son left the house to being his quest, his mother grabbed him and thrust $10,000 into his hand and told him to give the money to his father. Thrilled by his good fortune, he ran to find his father. His dad was sitting by the fireplace reading a book. The son approached his father and said, “Dad, Dad, here’s $10,000 for the business.” Without even looking up, the father grabbed the $10,000 and tossed it in the fire and watched it burn. The son stood frozen in amazement. As the money burned, the father said, “Come back when you have earned the money!”
As he left the room, his mother once again thrust $10,000 into his hand. This time she instructed him that he needed to be more convincing in selling his father on the idea that he had actually worked for the money. So the boy scuffed himself up a little, jogged around the block a few times, and then went to find his father again. His father was again sitting in front of the fireplace reading a book. The boy approached his father and said, “It sure is tough earning money. Here’s the $10,000. I really do want to own the business.” Once again the father took the $10,000, and without even looking up, tossed the money in the fireplace. As the money burned, the son asked, “How did you know I didn’t earn the money?” The father replied, “It is easy to lose or spend money that is not your own.”
At this point, the son realized he wasn’t going to get the business unless he actually earned the $10,000. He wanted the business, so when his mother offered him money again, he declined her offer. He went out and picked up some odd jobs. His jobs required him to get up early and stay up late, but he worked and worked until he finally earned $10,000. Proudly, he walked into his father and presented him with the money. Like before, his father was sitting by the fire reading a book. Again the father took the money and threw it in the fire. As the money hit the flames, the son dove to the floor and risking burns and pain stuck his hands into the fire and pulled out the $10,000. The father looked his son in the eyes and said, “I see you really did earn the money this time.”
Many parents make the mistake of provided damaging financial assistance to their children. Their motives are usually good. They want to help their children get started in life or assist when a financial need rises. Unfortunately, the result is often opposite to the one desired. Instead of helping children become self sufficient, they become dependant. Rather than sparking initiative and discipline, the children become idle and indulgent. Instead of being achievement oriented they become entitlement oriented, ungrateful and demanding. “Children who always get what they want will want as long as they live.” Research has shown that “in general, the more dollars adult children receive [from their parents] the fewer they accumulate, while those who are given fewer dollars accumulate more.” How can we make sure our children grow up with the earning mentality rather than the entitlement mentality?
While starting my first business, I often relied on one of my business partners and mentors, who was a multimillionaire, for advice. My business was growing but struggled to turn a profit. I continued to work hard but things were getting tougher and tougher for me financially. I went to my rich partner and asked for a loan to help me get by until the business was profitable. He declined to give me any assistance. I was a little frustrated and said, “You are making millions a year and I am struggling to stay alive. Please help me.” He looked at me and I could tell he wanted to help me. He was close to giving in to my plea when he replied, “If I take away your struggle, I will also take away your victory.” He then shared the following story.
“There was a young boy who came across a caterpillar hanging in a cocoon. He went to see the cocoon several times each day waiting for the butterfly to emerge. After a few days, the young boy began to see the cocoon move as a butterfly struggled to come out. The boy a little impatient and wanting to help ran home and got a pair of scissors. He returned and carefully cut open the cocoon and out fell a partially developed butterfly. This caterpillar would never fly. The young boy innocently killed the butterfly he was trying to help.” At the time, I didn’t find this advice helpful, but today I am grateful to a wise partner and mentor who resisted the temptation to cut open my cocoon and take away the struggle of life while starting a business.
One of the best ways to create an earning mentality in our children is to teach them how to work. Work helps get rid of the idea that one is entitled or has the right to something. I have identified 3 important factors that help teach children good work ethics. Parents need to look for opportunities to assign or create chores and work for children that have the following characteristics:
1. Purpose
The job assigned must have real life purpose. As a child, there was a large vacant plot of land behind my house that was very proficient in growing weeds. Dad sectioned off the plot and gave each child a section. The instruction was simply to keep the weeds down by pulling the weeds by hand. I can remember hating this job because it was always hot and dusty and the weeds grew fast and tall. I finally asked my dad why we had to keep the weeds down. Dad then explained that it was to make sure the weeds don’t spread into the yard and garden so the grass will be soft to play on and the garden will grow lots of good food to eat. This explanation gave my sweat and pains a purpose that I was willing to work for. I still didn’t like weeding my section but, now understanding the purpose of the job, I had motivation to make sure my plot was free of weeds.
Sometimes as parents we give chores that simply have the purpose of keeping our children busy. These chores are probably better than letting children sit in front of the TV or play video games all day. However, jobs with real life purpose, once accomplished, will ignite a feeling of true accomplishment and contribution to a collective or greater good. The feelings of purpose and accomplishment are feelings everyone desire. It is wise to use these feelings to fuel future assignments with purpose.
2. Consistency
Parents need to be consistent in assigning chores. If making the bed is an important skill or chore you want your child to learn or accomplish then you as the parent must be consistent is giving the assignment everyday and just as consistent in following up and making sure the job is done and done well. If you are as consistent in assigning a chore and just as consistent in following up and helping the child accomplish the chore then the child will progressively and consistently accomplish the chore alone.
The job that teaches good work ethics is one that is on a consistent schedule. Punctuality is important in the work place and in life. It wasn’t until I got a job my first job out side of the home that I realized the importance of consistency. While in Junior High I worked at a local grocery store where I was required to be at work on time. I’ve found that those who had jobs outside of the home while still in high school have a stronger work ethic than those who did not. Having noticed this trend leads me to believe that teaching a child to work is not simply teaching them how to do a few jobs but it’s teaching a way of life.
3. Perseverance
One of the hardest parts of life is to continue to do something when it is no longer fun or when it never was fun to begin with. The world would teach our children that such uncomfort or pain should not be tolerated. The world would go as far as to teach that if pain is felt then what ever is causing the pain is bad and should be avoided. It is on the contrary that good work ethics are learned. It is important to teach our youth to continually work past the point of comfort. Not many reach this point regularly, but it is here that character is permanently built. Learning good work ethics takes persevering through the uncomfort and beyond the pain of work.
Right out of High school I worked at a lumber mill in Idaho. My job was to stack lumber as it came off the saw. This was the most physically demanding job I’ve ever had. At the end of every day I was physically drained from being baked in the saw mill from the summer sun and from keeping up with the mill as it relentlessly kicked out lumber to be stacked. It was just a miserable job. I remember asking myself during one of my short breaks if this job was worth the pain. The thought and answer came back that “It wouldn’t be called work if it wasn’t work!” Well, that didn’t really help me feel better but it did help me understand that not all work is fun.
Business owner and church leader, Spencer W. Kimball said “I remember some years ago, a young man and his wife and little children moved to our Arizona community. As we got acquainted with them, he told me of the rigorous youth he had spent as he grew up. He’d had to get up at five and six o’clock in the morning and go out and deliver papers. He’d had to work on the farm and he’d had to do many things that were still rankling (irritation/resentment) in his soul. Then he concluded with this statement: ‘My boys are never going to have to do that.’ And we saw his boys grow up and you couldn’t get them to do anything. They [sluff] off their church activities and nothing seemed very important to them.”
If you protect your children from struggle and responsibility, you will also prevent them from growing. Help you child learn how to work and earn by assigning work that has real purpose, consistency, and requires perseverance. Good work ethic and the earning mentality cannot be purchased with money but are developed through experience, responsibility and education. The Entitlement mentality is a form of bondage for it is simply living off of others —for if you take from a person his responsibility to care for himself you also take from him the opportunity to be free. Do not simply give your kids money, give them education and opportunity and teach them how to work. It costs a lot less and will develop the productive, self sufficient children you desire.
Senin, September 08, 2008
What Does Your Child REALLY Need From You?
by: Margaret Paul, Ph.D.
Most parents want to be good parents. Yet parenting is one of those things that does not have hard and fast rules. So how do we know what to do? How do we know what will support our children in being all they can be?
One of the most important things for parents to do is to learn to trust their own intuition. Your feelings tell you when you are on course or off course in your behavior with your children. When things feel right inside, then you know that you are being a truly loving parent, and when they feel wrong inside, you know you are out of alignment with what is in your highest good and your children's highest good.
I remember my mother telling me that she used to put her fist in her mouth to stop herself from crying and from picking me up when I was an infant and cried. She had read in Dr. Spock that babies should not be picked up when they cry, that it is good for their lungs to cry, and that she would spoil me if she picked me up. But her insides were telling her the opposite - that babies cry when they need food, changing, or love. It is so sad that she followed Dr. Spock instead of her own inner knowing.
Now research has proven that babies who are not picked up when they cry become more dependent and insecure than babies who are kept with their mothers. In other countries, babies sleep with their parents until they no longer want to, feeling safe all night. In our country, most babies are alone at night, some crying themselves to sleep. This is not only sad, it is not healthy for the baby.
So the first thing your child needs from you is to trust your inner knowing rather than any book you read.
Your child needs your loving presence - not your busy preoccupied presence. For your children to feel important to you, they need to feel you fully present with them - reading to them daily, playing with them, holding and comforting them, and listening to them.
Your children need for you to create a healthy environment for them by feeding them healthy food, restricting screen time - TV, computer, video games - and making sure they play outdoors and get enough exercise. They need your encouragement to develop their hobbies and interests. They need you to try natural remedies before resorting to drugs for illness, so that you don't set them up for more illness with the side effects of drugs.
They need for you to be a good role model of self-care. Children need to see their parents taking full responsibility for their own feelings instead of being victims and blaming others. With this role modeling, they will also learn to take full responsibility for their own feelings. Learning and practicing the Inner Bonding process that we teach will support you in becoming this loving role model for your children.
Children also need you to be a role model for care of the environment. My daughter told me that my 3-1/2 year-old grandson got very upset with the checker at the market for using a plastic bag. "No, no plastic bags! It's bad for the environment!" he told the checker. By role modeling caring for our planet, we can raise children who are much more conscious of taking care of our environment.
Your children need to see you being connected with a spiritual Source of love, peace and wisdom in order to naturally connect with their own higher power. By developing your spiritual connection, they can learn to have their own.
What do your children really need from you? They need you to learn to be all you can be so they have the role modeling and permission to be all they can be.
Most parents want to be good parents. Yet parenting is one of those things that does not have hard and fast rules. So how do we know what to do? How do we know what will support our children in being all they can be?
One of the most important things for parents to do is to learn to trust their own intuition. Your feelings tell you when you are on course or off course in your behavior with your children. When things feel right inside, then you know that you are being a truly loving parent, and when they feel wrong inside, you know you are out of alignment with what is in your highest good and your children's highest good.
I remember my mother telling me that she used to put her fist in her mouth to stop herself from crying and from picking me up when I was an infant and cried. She had read in Dr. Spock that babies should not be picked up when they cry, that it is good for their lungs to cry, and that she would spoil me if she picked me up. But her insides were telling her the opposite - that babies cry when they need food, changing, or love. It is so sad that she followed Dr. Spock instead of her own inner knowing.
Now research has proven that babies who are not picked up when they cry become more dependent and insecure than babies who are kept with their mothers. In other countries, babies sleep with their parents until they no longer want to, feeling safe all night. In our country, most babies are alone at night, some crying themselves to sleep. This is not only sad, it is not healthy for the baby.
So the first thing your child needs from you is to trust your inner knowing rather than any book you read.
Your child needs your loving presence - not your busy preoccupied presence. For your children to feel important to you, they need to feel you fully present with them - reading to them daily, playing with them, holding and comforting them, and listening to them.
Your children need for you to create a healthy environment for them by feeding them healthy food, restricting screen time - TV, computer, video games - and making sure they play outdoors and get enough exercise. They need your encouragement to develop their hobbies and interests. They need you to try natural remedies before resorting to drugs for illness, so that you don't set them up for more illness with the side effects of drugs.
They need for you to be a good role model of self-care. Children need to see their parents taking full responsibility for their own feelings instead of being victims and blaming others. With this role modeling, they will also learn to take full responsibility for their own feelings. Learning and practicing the Inner Bonding process that we teach will support you in becoming this loving role model for your children.
Children also need you to be a role model for care of the environment. My daughter told me that my 3-1/2 year-old grandson got very upset with the checker at the market for using a plastic bag. "No, no plastic bags! It's bad for the environment!" he told the checker. By role modeling caring for our planet, we can raise children who are much more conscious of taking care of our environment.
Your children need to see you being connected with a spiritual Source of love, peace and wisdom in order to naturally connect with their own higher power. By developing your spiritual connection, they can learn to have their own.
What do your children really need from you? They need you to learn to be all you can be so they have the role modeling and permission to be all they can be.
I Can Do It! 7 Tips for Teaching Your Children Self Reliance
by: Dr Robyn Silverman
Most parents are trying to stay clear of the label "helicopter parents," because they don't want to be seen as the type of mother or father who hover and "overprotect." The most powerful parents have realized that when their children have the opportunity to make mistakes, they gain an invaluable opportunity to learn from those mistakes.
It's developmentally appropriate for children to become more and more independent, self reliant and responsible as they age. It can be challenging for parents to know when to step back and let their children try something on their own. After all, from the time their children were babies, parents have spent years meeting many to all of their child's needs.
Striking a balance between allowing your children to do tasks for themselves and helping them when they seem to need or want is a talent of very powerful parents. This balance allows their children to thrive because they feel more confident in themselves while still feeling supported and properly mentored.
How can we instill self reliance and responsibility into our children?
(1) Allow your children to make some decisions: Even young children can make sound decisions if you give them a few select choices. Do you want to wear the red shirt or the blue shirt? Would you like a peanut butter sandwich or a cheese sandwich? As children get older, you can allow them to make more important decisions with little to no guidance. They can determine things like which Fall sport they'd like to play, if they need a tutor for math, and which friends they'd like to spend time with each day without needing much, if any, input from parents. While it's tempting to make these kinds of decisions for your older children, they need to stand on their own two feet—after all, their decisions are often correct!
(2) Encourage your children to try tasks on their own: While it's often quicker and more skillfully done when we do it for them, children need to engage in tasks on their own if they're ever going to learn how to do them well. Laundry, shoe-tying, and making the bed are great places to start with young children. Older children can handle more complicated tasks such as cooking, preparing their own lunch, and doing their own homework.
(3) Model responsibility and self reliance: Parents have many responsibilities—let your child see them and hear about them! Say out loud; "This screw seems a little loose, I'll go get the screwdriver and tighten it" or "I have to plan our weekly menu for dinner; let's see...Monday night we'll have..." When children see you making decisions, taking initiative, and displaying self reliant behaviors, they will engage in similar behavior.
(4) Be your child's coach rather than his sage: When your child asks you questions about how to do something or what to do in a certain situation, sometimes asking questions is more important than providing answers. "What do you think you should do? How would you feel if you chose X? What would happen if you did Y instead?" These questions can unlock the answers in your own child's brain so the next time he's in a similar situation he'll be able to call on his own experience and judgment to make a decision.
(5) Be a good support system: Sometimes this means cheering them on from the sidelines and other times it means encouraging them to try again. Of course, when children truly need your help, they should know that they can count on you. If you teach them to ask for help when they really need it (when something seems unsafe or too challenging), they should know that you will be there to assist them. Children who know that they can count on their parents when they really need it feel better about taking risks and the possibility of making mistakes.
(6) Provide them with responsibilities: Chores are great for teaching children how to be self reliant as well as how to work as a team. After teaching them how to do the chore properly, let them give it a try with some assistance, if needed. You can even work on a checklist together which helps to break down the task into easy, age-appropriate chunks. For example, (a) Take the clothes out of the dryer, (b) Separate the clothes by family member, (c) Match up all the socks...and so on. When we provide children with ways to help out the family, we give them opportunities to build responsibility, self confidence, and self reliance.
(7) Encourage healthy risk-taking: Assure your children that making mistakes is OK. The most important thing is that s/he tries! Most things are not done perfectly the first time—even when you're an adult. It doesn't mean "the end of the world" and there is no reason to be embarrassed. Watching our children make mistakes can be challenging. We may want to rush to their aid to shield them from impending failure or disappointment. However, when parents do this, they rob their children of some very powerful tools; self confidence, stick-to-itiveness, and of course, self reliance.
Your children are relying on you to teach them how to approach the world. Sometimes that means they have to watch you to learn how to approach the task. But other times that means, you must watch them from the sidelines and encourage them to figure it out on their own.
Most parents are trying to stay clear of the label "helicopter parents," because they don't want to be seen as the type of mother or father who hover and "overprotect." The most powerful parents have realized that when their children have the opportunity to make mistakes, they gain an invaluable opportunity to learn from those mistakes.
It's developmentally appropriate for children to become more and more independent, self reliant and responsible as they age. It can be challenging for parents to know when to step back and let their children try something on their own. After all, from the time their children were babies, parents have spent years meeting many to all of their child's needs.
Striking a balance between allowing your children to do tasks for themselves and helping them when they seem to need or want is a talent of very powerful parents. This balance allows their children to thrive because they feel more confident in themselves while still feeling supported and properly mentored.
How can we instill self reliance and responsibility into our children?
(1) Allow your children to make some decisions: Even young children can make sound decisions if you give them a few select choices. Do you want to wear the red shirt or the blue shirt? Would you like a peanut butter sandwich or a cheese sandwich? As children get older, you can allow them to make more important decisions with little to no guidance. They can determine things like which Fall sport they'd like to play, if they need a tutor for math, and which friends they'd like to spend time with each day without needing much, if any, input from parents. While it's tempting to make these kinds of decisions for your older children, they need to stand on their own two feet—after all, their decisions are often correct!
(2) Encourage your children to try tasks on their own: While it's often quicker and more skillfully done when we do it for them, children need to engage in tasks on their own if they're ever going to learn how to do them well. Laundry, shoe-tying, and making the bed are great places to start with young children. Older children can handle more complicated tasks such as cooking, preparing their own lunch, and doing their own homework.
(3) Model responsibility and self reliance: Parents have many responsibilities—let your child see them and hear about them! Say out loud; "This screw seems a little loose, I'll go get the screwdriver and tighten it" or "I have to plan our weekly menu for dinner; let's see...Monday night we'll have..." When children see you making decisions, taking initiative, and displaying self reliant behaviors, they will engage in similar behavior.
(4) Be your child's coach rather than his sage: When your child asks you questions about how to do something or what to do in a certain situation, sometimes asking questions is more important than providing answers. "What do you think you should do? How would you feel if you chose X? What would happen if you did Y instead?" These questions can unlock the answers in your own child's brain so the next time he's in a similar situation he'll be able to call on his own experience and judgment to make a decision.
(5) Be a good support system: Sometimes this means cheering them on from the sidelines and other times it means encouraging them to try again. Of course, when children truly need your help, they should know that they can count on you. If you teach them to ask for help when they really need it (when something seems unsafe or too challenging), they should know that you will be there to assist them. Children who know that they can count on their parents when they really need it feel better about taking risks and the possibility of making mistakes.
(6) Provide them with responsibilities: Chores are great for teaching children how to be self reliant as well as how to work as a team. After teaching them how to do the chore properly, let them give it a try with some assistance, if needed. You can even work on a checklist together which helps to break down the task into easy, age-appropriate chunks. For example, (a) Take the clothes out of the dryer, (b) Separate the clothes by family member, (c) Match up all the socks...and so on. When we provide children with ways to help out the family, we give them opportunities to build responsibility, self confidence, and self reliance.
(7) Encourage healthy risk-taking: Assure your children that making mistakes is OK. The most important thing is that s/he tries! Most things are not done perfectly the first time—even when you're an adult. It doesn't mean "the end of the world" and there is no reason to be embarrassed. Watching our children make mistakes can be challenging. We may want to rush to their aid to shield them from impending failure or disappointment. However, when parents do this, they rob their children of some very powerful tools; self confidence, stick-to-itiveness, and of course, self reliance.
Your children are relying on you to teach them how to approach the world. Sometimes that means they have to watch you to learn how to approach the task. But other times that means, you must watch them from the sidelines and encourage them to figure it out on their own.
How Do You Know if Your Child has Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD)
by: Greg Frost
There are more than 2 million children suffering from ADHD in America, and the figures are set to increase exponentially every 4 years. Despite this, most parents are unaware of how to recognize ADHD, or how to treat it. The symptoms of ADHD are also easily mistaken for a child misbehaving, making it even harder for a parent to differentiate between the two.
ADHD is a form of Attention Deficit Disorder, and is the most common neurological disease that children suffer from, with up to 5% of the children in America afflicted. As a parent, learn to recognize the symptoms so that you can seek professional help for your child. The main symptoms of ADHD are aggression, impulsiveness, restlessness, learning disabilities, an inability to focus and hyperactivity. Hence, even for parents who know the signs to look out for, it is often difficult to draw the line between normal misbehavior and ADHD.
How to you differentiate between the various forms of ADD? Add simply means that your child is unable to concentrate, and likely to forget what you have told him less than 10 seconds ago. ADHD on the other hand, means that not only has he forgotten what you have said, he is also likely to be running around instead of staying still whilst you address him. If you suspect that your child may be suffering from ADHD, it is better to err on the side of caution and visit your doctor for a professional opinion. It is treatable, and if identified early you can make a difference in helping your child learn and cope with life.
There are many symptoms of ADHD, such as forgetfulness, restlessness, aggression, agitation, depression, anxiety, impulsive behavior and an inability to focus. However, these are highly common and often confused with the symptoms of anxiety, depression, thyroid, or a stressful environment. Excessive sugar and allergies may also cause the same symptoms, as well as if your child is highly intelligent causing him to be easily bored and hence restless.
Fortunately, more parents are gaining greater awareness of the problem, and schools have also played a major role in the dissemination of information regarding ADHD. Whilst it is a significant problem for a child suffering from ADHD, keep in mind that you are never alone and that there is help available readily. Often times, medication is the first answer that parents look to for solving the problem. However, there are other alternatives as well.
Parents should try to keep a closer watch over the child’s diet, and cut off foods with high sugar content, or possible allergies. Give the child more attention and time, and help him to feel connected to the environment. He knows that he is different, and you should try your best to help him feel that he belongs. Whilst medication can treat the symptoms, it is equally if not more important to ensure that the child’s emotional and mental health is well taken care of.
There are more than 2 million children suffering from ADHD in America, and the figures are set to increase exponentially every 4 years. Despite this, most parents are unaware of how to recognize ADHD, or how to treat it. The symptoms of ADHD are also easily mistaken for a child misbehaving, making it even harder for a parent to differentiate between the two.
ADHD is a form of Attention Deficit Disorder, and is the most common neurological disease that children suffer from, with up to 5% of the children in America afflicted. As a parent, learn to recognize the symptoms so that you can seek professional help for your child. The main symptoms of ADHD are aggression, impulsiveness, restlessness, learning disabilities, an inability to focus and hyperactivity. Hence, even for parents who know the signs to look out for, it is often difficult to draw the line between normal misbehavior and ADHD.
How to you differentiate between the various forms of ADD? Add simply means that your child is unable to concentrate, and likely to forget what you have told him less than 10 seconds ago. ADHD on the other hand, means that not only has he forgotten what you have said, he is also likely to be running around instead of staying still whilst you address him. If you suspect that your child may be suffering from ADHD, it is better to err on the side of caution and visit your doctor for a professional opinion. It is treatable, and if identified early you can make a difference in helping your child learn and cope with life.
There are many symptoms of ADHD, such as forgetfulness, restlessness, aggression, agitation, depression, anxiety, impulsive behavior and an inability to focus. However, these are highly common and often confused with the symptoms of anxiety, depression, thyroid, or a stressful environment. Excessive sugar and allergies may also cause the same symptoms, as well as if your child is highly intelligent causing him to be easily bored and hence restless.
Fortunately, more parents are gaining greater awareness of the problem, and schools have also played a major role in the dissemination of information regarding ADHD. Whilst it is a significant problem for a child suffering from ADHD, keep in mind that you are never alone and that there is help available readily. Often times, medication is the first answer that parents look to for solving the problem. However, there are other alternatives as well.
Parents should try to keep a closer watch over the child’s diet, and cut off foods with high sugar content, or possible allergies. Give the child more attention and time, and help him to feel connected to the environment. He knows that he is different, and you should try your best to help him feel that he belongs. Whilst medication can treat the symptoms, it is equally if not more important to ensure that the child’s emotional and mental health is well taken care of.
Discipline - Be Clear, Be Firm, Be Consistent
by: Helen Williams
Children learn best by being given clear, firm and consistent direction from parents who are clear, firm and consistent in their approach.
How to Discipline Children by Being Clear:
Firstly find and maintain clarity within yourself and then follow through on simple, clear instructions. Clarify for your self what being clear means.
It is about being plain, obvious, and understandable in a clear, short sentence that explains exactly what you mean.
It isn't about maybe this or maybe that.
Often parents have no idea that they chop and change their minds within minutes. To become clear about your own patterns of behavior, observe yourself and ask for your partner's help in this.
"We are going to tidy up your toys in five minutes", is clear and direct. Follow this with,
"Please help me tidy up your toys now" and it means just that.
Be firm with yourself about this. It doesn't mean soon, or later, but now.
I have seen parents give out this simple instruction, then become distracted themselves by a television program, conversation or magazine. What their children observe is parents saying one thing and doing another and this gives a much distorted message. Multiplied over many times each day, is it any wonder that children cease to follow simple instructions?
How to Discipline Children by Being Firm:
Firstly find and maintain firmness for yourself and then follow through with firm clear directions in a firm, clear tone.
Clarify for your self what being firm means.
To be firm is to be certain, definite, and determined. It is also being loving, kind and calm.
It means saying no and meaning no, or saying yes and meaning yes and sticking to it. It's about now being now. How often does your no become perhaps, later, maybe giving in, next time, soon, or alright then? This is a very common fault in how to discipline children and again it leads to numerous mixed messages for children.
Resolve within yourself and with your partner's help to ascertain how often you are both easily swayed into changing your decisions. Are you allowing your children to manipulate you? Imagine how simple your life will become when you are clear and firm within yourself.
It is every child's right to KNOW they can trust their parent's boundaries. So firstly, become firm with your own boundaries and then apply this to your parenting discipline.
"It is bedtime, (bath time, meal time) in five minutes" is a clear direction. Now follow through on this.
Giving the direction in a calm, clear, firm tone of voice helps your children to understand that you mean what you say. Being firm is about being in control of both yourself and the situation.
How to Discipline Children by Being Consistent:
Firstly find and maintain consistency for yourself and then follow through with a firm, clear, consistent approach.
Clarify for yourself what being consistent means.
To be consistent is to be reliable, dependable and constant.
These words immediately convey comfort don't they?
Let's look at the opposite of being consistent. Contradictory, unpredictable, changeable. That's definitely lacking in comfort and safety.
So how do you want to be seen by your children?
To begin with it can seem quite time consuming to concentrate on clear, firm, consistent guidelines. Be aware that this is very true. It takes concentrated effort and time to change old habits to new ones, but if you maintain consistency, you will be very surprised how quickly new patterns of behavior are formed.
Parenting Discipline In Summary: With parenting discipline we are teaching our children how to have self control, self discipline and to become self reliant, so they are able to make good choices for themselves.
The only way children can learn to do this is by being given the opportunities for this learning.
This means not over protecting them, or doing everything for them, but maximizing their opportunities to learn through personal experience and observation, even when this means making mistakes.
Can you see the opportunities here to change some of your own patterns of behavior into superior ones?
Clear, firm, consistent parenting is quality parenting. You learn to trust your own responses and your children are surrounded by your loving constancy.
This is the recipe for creating a happy, well adjusted family.
Children learn best by being given clear, firm and consistent direction from parents who are clear, firm and consistent in their approach.
How to Discipline Children by Being Clear:
Firstly find and maintain clarity within yourself and then follow through on simple, clear instructions. Clarify for your self what being clear means.
It is about being plain, obvious, and understandable in a clear, short sentence that explains exactly what you mean.
It isn't about maybe this or maybe that.
Often parents have no idea that they chop and change their minds within minutes. To become clear about your own patterns of behavior, observe yourself and ask for your partner's help in this.
"We are going to tidy up your toys in five minutes", is clear and direct. Follow this with,
"Please help me tidy up your toys now" and it means just that.
Be firm with yourself about this. It doesn't mean soon, or later, but now.
I have seen parents give out this simple instruction, then become distracted themselves by a television program, conversation or magazine. What their children observe is parents saying one thing and doing another and this gives a much distorted message. Multiplied over many times each day, is it any wonder that children cease to follow simple instructions?
How to Discipline Children by Being Firm:
Firstly find and maintain firmness for yourself and then follow through with firm clear directions in a firm, clear tone.
Clarify for your self what being firm means.
To be firm is to be certain, definite, and determined. It is also being loving, kind and calm.
It means saying no and meaning no, or saying yes and meaning yes and sticking to it. It's about now being now. How often does your no become perhaps, later, maybe giving in, next time, soon, or alright then? This is a very common fault in how to discipline children and again it leads to numerous mixed messages for children.
Resolve within yourself and with your partner's help to ascertain how often you are both easily swayed into changing your decisions. Are you allowing your children to manipulate you? Imagine how simple your life will become when you are clear and firm within yourself.
It is every child's right to KNOW they can trust their parent's boundaries. So firstly, become firm with your own boundaries and then apply this to your parenting discipline.
"It is bedtime, (bath time, meal time) in five minutes" is a clear direction. Now follow through on this.
Giving the direction in a calm, clear, firm tone of voice helps your children to understand that you mean what you say. Being firm is about being in control of both yourself and the situation.
How to Discipline Children by Being Consistent:
Firstly find and maintain consistency for yourself and then follow through with a firm, clear, consistent approach.
Clarify for yourself what being consistent means.
To be consistent is to be reliable, dependable and constant.
These words immediately convey comfort don't they?
Let's look at the opposite of being consistent. Contradictory, unpredictable, changeable. That's definitely lacking in comfort and safety.
So how do you want to be seen by your children?
To begin with it can seem quite time consuming to concentrate on clear, firm, consistent guidelines. Be aware that this is very true. It takes concentrated effort and time to change old habits to new ones, but if you maintain consistency, you will be very surprised how quickly new patterns of behavior are formed.
Parenting Discipline In Summary: With parenting discipline we are teaching our children how to have self control, self discipline and to become self reliant, so they are able to make good choices for themselves.
The only way children can learn to do this is by being given the opportunities for this learning.
This means not over protecting them, or doing everything for them, but maximizing their opportunities to learn through personal experience and observation, even when this means making mistakes.
Can you see the opportunities here to change some of your own patterns of behavior into superior ones?
Clear, firm, consistent parenting is quality parenting. You learn to trust your own responses and your children are surrounded by your loving constancy.
This is the recipe for creating a happy, well adjusted family.
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